An Open Letter To Doctor Horrible of the Sing-Along-Blog

My dear fellow Doctor,

having viewed all three installments of your infamous Sing-Along-Blog, I would like first and foremost to congratulate you on winning the approval of Evil Horse and getting to join an illustrious organization of villains. Power corrupts, they say, but absolute power rocks absolutely.

With that said, there are a few issues I would like to discuss with you. To start, your spelling of “Doctor.” The spelling you use is largely reserved for medical practicioners and others who have earned the title from an accredited academic institution. For aspiring villains, successful villains, and free-lance mad-scientists, the spelling “Doktor” is the common usage, with the noted exception of Dr. Steel.

Which brings me to my second point. You have clearly demonstrated a mastery of the Mad and/or Forbidden Sciences, but your willingness to settle for a job as a farm animal’s wingman clearly illustrates your inferiority as a specimen of the Doktorial species. Helming your own League of Immorality, Legion of Depravity, Guild of Nefarious Intent, or similar is not out of the question, as you already have one lackey and the power to attract many more. If you’re serious about wasting your talents clean up after Mister Ed, you may as well hang up your goggles and get a dayjob.

I heartily encourage this choice, in fact, because you are but a pale imitation of the great Doctor Steel, future World Emperor who will establish the Utopian Playland that is every person’s birthright. Have you signed up to be a Toy Soldier for Doctor Steel? Do you want a Utopian Playland? if you have answered “no” to these questions then you, sir, make me sick, and you should be stripped of your labcoat, goggles, and squeaky rubber gloves. When I ply my phrenological trade, reshaping the noggins of the cranially maligned, i do it for Doctor Steel. And for the living slack-master of sales, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs. Which goes back to my first point: if you haven’t gotten a doctorate from an accredited institution, “Bob” will sell you a fine Doktorate of Forbidden Sciences for a mere thirty American dollars, well within the means of even an overdressed stableboy stuch as yourself.

Lastly, shut your filthy emo-hole before I fetch my trusty phrenologically-attuned bowling ball Petunia and forcibly shut it for you. I understand that going to such great lengths only to find yourself a glorified stall-mucker can be frustrating, but you chose that life for yourself. and as for accidentally killing the woman of your dreams, I can only share with you the sagacious advise of my sainted mother Vampire Holocaust: get over it. The only things worse than witless big-chinned lunkheads who try to hide their complete lack of anything resembling insight or intellect behind an excessive amount of macho behavior are the women who actually fall for their act and, in so doing, fall for the lunkheads.

You, Doctor Horrible, have many redeeming qualities that Captain Hammer and his ilk cannot fathom. Literacy, a sense of humor, an actual plan to bring about social change rather than just a socially-condoned urge to beat the shit out of things come to mind, and I’m sure your close friends could list many more. The very fact that a woman would choose a man like Captain Hammer over you is proof enough that she is an inferior creature and not worth your attention. Unless, that is, you really are just a stableboy in a labcoat. You have a brain, man, use it!

Clone her. Study the research of Dr. Herbert West and use his formula to reanimate her. Get your pal Joss Whedon to put an android doppleganger of her in the scripts for the next season like he did for those vampires he used to hang out with. Just quit your emo-yapping and fucking grow a pair before you become any more of a disgrace to the goggle-wearing-madman community.

Your friend in slack and evil scheming,

Reverend Doktor Zombie Holocaust.

Slack prevails.

Tags: Doctor Horrible, Doctor Steel, Dr Horrible, Dr. Steel, horse, joss whedon, Sing-along-blog, slack, subgenius