Doktor Holocaust: is trying to save the world.

Friends, Droogs, and Freaky Darlings, we are being invaded. Menacing, manipulative creatures are infiltrating the once-great societies of the world and even some that don’t have cable television and subverting the resources of the people for their own nefarious ends.

I’m talking about babies. I’ve been seeing a lot of you blog about them to some extent or other over the past months, and my warnings have gone unheeded, so I am forced to do my own post about them because they have even found their way into my own workspace.

^{image by Dirt Merchant Games, from “Human Occupied Landfill”}

First off, you need to understand: Babies are MADE, not BORN. What about all that fuss surrounding pregnancy and childbirth? Oh, people actually do have unprotected sex and create human-cubs, but the medical establishment routinely switches these good, wholesome little mammals out with their baby operatives within minutes of the actual birth. Where are they getting the babies? They come from labs run by the military-industrial-complex and are used as sleeper agents the world over. Think for a minute about what babies do: they sit around and watch what YOU do, pausing only to sleep, scream, puke, or poop.

But Dok, you say, YOU were a baby once, you crazy person. DAMN RIGHT! The thing is, unlike the other babies and despite my overall contempt for your species, i actually kinda LIKE some of you humans, so I want to warn you about what my kind is capable of.

Secondly, All that pooping and screaming and spitting up may seem like harmless unpottytrained-human behavior, but it’s a ruse to lull you into a false sense of security. Once the proper ratio of Babies to humans is reached, all of those things will be weaponized. Let me repeat that. when proper Baby saturation of Earth is reached, pooping, screaming, and vomiting will be weaponized. Babies will spray napalm from their mouths (or a high-viscosity corrosive substance that can burn through concrete and is impossible to wipe off) and a dozen plagues from their powdered bottoms as their screams scramble every defensive technology you humans can equip yourselves with (not to mention your inner-ear fluids and perhaps your brains!).

Dok, you say again in objection, we are the inhabitants of gun-manufacturing post-industrial nations that give us no healthy outlet for our ten-thousand-years of instinct-driven violence. If these babymonsters you speak of try any of that shit, we’ll blow the little fuckers into next Thursday and then celebrate with lots of sex so all the baby-goods we bought for them can go to the rightful owners – our own wholesome offspring.

Oh, if only it were that easy. IF ONLY! You see, the most fearsome power of the Baby is not some secret biological weapon laying dormant in their little guts, but a power over the very minds of humans, a power over your brains. They do this by making their little baby noises. These subtle tones are at a special frequency that resonates with certain parts of an adult human brain and renders that adult human unquestioningly obedient and obsessed with going out of their way to help whatever makes that noise.

I have seen them do this at my own place of business. I work for a bank, as a collections agent. My co-workers and I are hardened debt-collectors, trained not to yield to those who would try to weasel out of things, trained to get what we want out of people. our office even has a well-appointed baby containment unit to separate the baby-afflicted from their tiny tormentors long enough to get some work done, but yesterday, in the middle of my night shift, one of the little bastards escaped and assailed my very cubicle! THEY’RE COMIN” OUTTA THE GODDAMN WALLS!

That’s right, my freaky darlings, babies have mind-control powers and secret biological weapons and THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT coddle, coo at, feed, or otherwise assist them in their evil schemes. YOUR willingness to wait on them hand and foot as if they were your actual humanspawns is what has made their invasion so successful!